I’ve driven 9 hours to come to the Adirondacks to find myself finding my spirit again, by sitting inside my van, cold and sore, but feeling creative and thoughtful. I drove here to spend my 5 days off hiking and camping in the mountains. I absolutely love the outdoors, mountains, nature, climbing, anything that gets me outside and away from the stress of society – of living inside a box. It’s crazy how doing what “I want to do” is such a strange feeling. It’s always, I “have” to go to work. I “should” see my parents more. I “need” more money. I don’t “have” enough time. There’s no room in today’s society to even contemplate what we want to do with our lives. I asked my mom recently what makes you happy? And it’s not her fault, but her answer was I go to work, I clean, and I watch my television shows. I asked her again, ok but what makes you really happy? What do you like to do? She looked at me confused, then said I guess I like my TV shows. There’s nothing wrong with her answer but what I’m trying to show is how it’s unusual for our brains to contemplate what makes us happy. It’s a weird feeling to ask ourselves, what do I want? What do I want to do today? And then actually follow through with what our soul is telling us.
Travel Tip: when travelling to areas where you won’t have data or cell service, download the map of where you’re going using google maps. GPS single still works and you can type in directions to places that are in the offline maps. I downloaded Saranac Lake, Lake Placid, and Keene valley.
So after a 9 hour drive from London, Ontario to Lake Placid, New York, I set up my van to go to sleep. I woke up freezing, sore and not feeling great. I made coffee and slowly got my day pack ready. I didn’t really have a plan coming out here. I had a few hikes and maps saved on my phone. I parked at Meadow Ln because it was free parking. I decided that morning I would do Algonquin Peak because it is the second highest peak in New York. Mt Marcy is the highest but it would not be reachable in a day with it already being around 8am. So obviously go for the second highest right?
I’ve been stressing about money lately so I chose to hike a few extra km to have free parking. As I headed towards the trail, I thought to myself, is this a realistic plan? Am I prepared? Why am I doing this? What’s the purpose of hiking up this mountain? Will I reach the summit in time? Do I feel safe hiking in the dark by myself in the winter in these conditions? I stopped for a moment and contemplated my decision. I decided to head back to the parking lot because realistically I would not have made it to the summit since I hadn’t started early enough and I didn’t have the best mindset going in.
I decide to hike up Mt. Van Hoevenberg which was close to where I was parked. It was a moderate trail, steady incline for about 7km to a lookout of the High Peaks. I
struggled at times, feeling super out of shape
and still contemplating what my purpose was.
I saw a couple that I met in the parking lot at the Summit and they were happy to see me. They had recommended not to do Algonquin Peak because of the time unless I was ready to hike consistently all day. The visibility also became quite poor with cold winds, so I would have also been in really crappy conditions all day with no views. I was happy and grateful for my decision to hike Mt Vanheovenberg.
The descent from Mt. Van Hoevenberg was much easier and faster. The sun came out at times and I took time to appreciate where I was. When I got back to the van, I met a group of four men packing up to head out for an overnight trek to Mt Colden. They invited me to join and a part of me wanted to quickly get my things together and head out with them.
But my logical mind said – you are already exhausted and have no food or gear prepared for that kind of trek. They headed out and said I could join them up at Marcy Damn on their second night.
I made some lunch and fell asleep in the van. I woke up cold again and became super anxious. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I wanted to go home. I didn’t feel connected to myself. I was feeling super negative about myself for not being my “usual self” and taking on big objectives, climbing mountains and overcoming the elements of the outdoors. I felt weak. I felt like a failure. My heart was racing and my stomach felt upside down.
I decided to drive somewhere I could find Wi-Fi, talk to someone for a support. I drove to town at Saranac Lake. Driving always helps me feel calm. I asked around at a few places for Wi-Fi and was directed to a café called Nori’s.
I ordered a tea and chatted with a guy working at the café, he made some recommendations for hikes. I took a seat and texted my boyfriend explaining how I was feeling. My boyfriend was super supportive and said just go and sit, be ok with it just being you. Listen to your body, feel your heart. I realized I was feeling so anxious because I wasn’t feeling ready or safe to do a massive and difficult winter trek.
I have been training really hard the last couple weeks in the gym, weight lifting, rock climbing, I started trail running, and I haven’t given my body any recovery days. I’ve had the mindset that if I’m not training – I’m regressing. If I’m not working on my body then I won’t get stronger and I won’t look or be good enough – a very toxic mindset to have which I learned from competing in bodybuilding. But the first step is awareness. Being aware of negative thought patterns allows us to draw our attention to it and create positive change. I realized that what my body and soul needed wasn’t to summit an intense peak every day that I’m here. My body and soul needed rest, love, and kindness. But doing so created a sense of inadequacy and failure. My thoughts became – well what are you going to tell everyone you did here? Slept in your van? That’s dumb. You “should” be hiking. You “should” be climbing. That’s what you say you love to do. Stop being such a baby and get outside. Push yourself.
Bodybuilding taught me to push myself, to ignore my inner self at times and live a strict life focused on perfection. It’s no longer a life I choose to live. But I’ve created habitual thought processes that no longer serve me and are not loving towards myself. It’s definitely important to push yourself and face your fears to reach your goals. However, these thoughts of pushing myself without listing to my body or soul or understanding why I’m doing what I’m doing – this kind of pushing isn’t healthy in my opinion.
It’s like what Tony Robin says – push requires will power. And will power only lasts so long. You gotta find and follow what pulls you – what gets you excited.
I believe regardless of what you’re doing, you’ve got to know your why.
So I sat there in the café contemplating – why do I hike? Why do I climb mountains?
A girl came and sat beside and my energy shifted. She quit her job and moved here for a couple years and was planning a big road trip soon. She reminded me of why I love to travel – to connect with amazing people. To feel and create inspiration. To share positive energy and experiences.
And then the answer to why I hike and climb came to me. It was to first – feel connected to myself. Feel empowered by feeling connected to my soul. Doing what makes me happy, following my bliss and overcoming challenges.
Second – to feel connected to others. To vibe with amazing people. Create beautiful experiences together.
I realized my mindset sucked on the first day because I began to head towards Algonquin peak because that’s what I “should” do. I should do massive objectives. I should push myself. But I never asked myself, what do I want to do? What does my body and soul need? And what I wanted and needed was just some time in nature. Some time to reflect and connect. To prepare and feel excited.
The girl and I exchanged contact info and planned for doing a hike together on Monday. I decided I would hike up Big Slide on Sunday. I drove to the parking lot for Big Slide Mountain in Keene Valley and set up for the night. I was exhausted by 9pm and crashed.
I slowly got up this morning at 8am. More sore and stiff feeling off. I decided not to rush. I made coffee and made several trips to a tree… my stomach was really feeling off. I started my day by grabbing my journal and first asking myself, what do I want to do? What would feel good? And my answer was journaling and reading. I’ve been reading Claim your Power by Mastin Kipp, searching so hard for what my purpose is.
I began to find my vibe again through journaling, reflecting, releasing negative feelings, and reframing my mindset. I started saying and believing a mantra I used to say daily when I was really struggling and got out of the habit. I decided to start again today:
I am enough. I am kind and decent. I’m living an extraordinary life and those who accompany me on my journey, I will be their enthusiastic cheerleader. And I expect the same in return. I am a divine creation, unique and special, connected to the universe. I’m living a beautiful, adventurous, extraordinary and unique life, creating a positive impact on the lives of others.
This brought me to grabbing my laptop and sharing the experience I’ve had this trip so far.
I ask you to reflect on these questions:
What would feel good today? What do you want to do? If you could do anything today, what would that be?
Listen to the limiting beliefs that come up that are framed with “should” “must” “need” or “have to”. These thoughts do not come from your soul. Take the time to reflect, listen, and become aware.
Ask yourself, why? Why are you doing what you’re doing?
The first step is awareness. If you go through life without knowing why you’re doing what you’re doing, you’re just following others, living inside a box, and you’ll never get to experience your true potential or soul’s purpose.
I send everyone reading this love and support. Keep moving forward. There’s a big beautiful world out there waiting to experience all you have to offer.
I’m listening to my soul and I want to get outside. No big mountain objective today. I’m craving time in nature, exploring. But first, lunch! – Then adventure
Peace and love,
Kirsten
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