I feel like me again
I never would have thought that what I needed was to go somewhere with complete silence
Feeling constantly locked down, isolated, left out…
But there’s something so special about being far away, being in a different space. Going somewhere quiet and being with yourself.
Although social distancing has become the new norm, I still haven’t spent much time just being with myself… I haven’t really been listening to the quiet voice that is my heart.
Being in nature. Being somewhere and no where at the same time reconnects me to my soul.
I’m not sure where exactly I’m going or what I’m doing here.
I just know that this is where I want to be. This is where I need to be.
I've missed this deeply.
My first night in the van I was filled with anxiety. I left London around 130pm. A very delayed start to my journey. I had planned on leaving Tuesday, then maybe Wednesday or Thursday. And ended up leaving Friday afternoon. I felt like I had so many things to get done before I could go. And I still left feeling like I had so much unfinished work to do.
The drive was nice. I was so content listening to music. And ignored the voice inside my head telling me I should be using this time to be productive – learning from a podcast or a book.
I needed to just be. Ive been feeling so disorganized and unfocused lately. As much as I plan, and set goals, my thoughts have felt chaotic and lacking direction.
I took my time driving. I had no real rush to be anywhere. My goal was to make it to Sudbury but I figured I’d drive until I didn’t want to drive anymore.
As the drive went on I became kind of anxious. As soon as it was getting dark, I filled up on gas and looked at my map to find some places to stay for the night for when I didn’t want to drive anymore.
I lasted about 5 more minutes on the Trans Canada highway and got off at Pointe Au Baril, a small marine town, and parked at the community centre.
I felt incredibly restless. I had spent the majority of the day sitting. I got out and attempted to go for a walk, but the wind and the darkness quickly sent me back to my van within seconds.
I didn’t feel great. But I made some dinner and did some journaling. I couldn’t let go of all the things I still needed to do. So I spent some time uploading the rest of the videos for one of my fitness clients then went to bed.
I was nervous sleeping in the van that night. I felt uncomfortable in this unknown town way up north and wasn’t used to being on my own adventure.
The sun came out in the morning and brought such beauty to where I was staying. I was beginning to feel more comfortable and excited for the journey I was on.
I headed north again
The drive was much easier. I wasn’t filled with anxiety and I was much more at peace with myself. I felt more creative and worked on a video for my business on my lunch break from driving. I didn’t feel like I had to work on it, rather I was inspired.
Pretty soon I was in Sault St Marie and was only just over an hour away from Batachawa Mountain. That felt like nothing compared to the 10 hours of driving I had already done.
The drive down Mile 38 Road was rough but exciting. I took it slow. The road was icy and winding with decent snow banks.
I was about 6km away from the closest I could get driving to Batachawa Mountain when I hit a huge bump on the road. My stove that was sitting on the bed went flying. I was worried something was damaged. I stopped where I was (mistake number 1) which was on an uphill icy road, then looked in the back. Everything was fine. I tried to drive onward but I didn’t have enough speed to get up the hill. So I reveresed a bit… a bit too much (mistake number 2) and my back tire dropped down a few feet into the snow bank. I was stuck.
I was kinda stressed. Definitely not as anxious as the day before but it wouldn’t have been a great place to stay for the night.
So I got my skis on quickly and headed down the road to find someone. Luckily a truck came by and said he would come back to help. The two guys were very kind and pulled my van out. They said that 2km down the road it was no longer plowed. I would have had to ski down the road then ski to find the mountain. Which I would have been okay doing but I really didn’t know where the mountain was exactly. I hadn’t really prepared much. I just picked this area and headed up here.
So I headed back down and said to myself I’d park at the first pull off on my right and ski until it got dark.
I skied around the lake and up into the woods then down to another lake.
It was incredible.
So beautiful.
Everything that I needed. More than I could have asked for. It was just me out in snow. In nature. In the sun. In this beautiful beautiful world.
It got so quiet on the lake. Something that even though we’ve been isolated and distanced, we still don’t get that silence that we can get in nature. The sound of being with yourself and the energy around you. Words can’t describe how special that is. A moment of silence in nature changes you. Reminds you that we are a part of something incredible. There’s so much more to life than just making money, trying to be productive or perfect, posting on social media…
Our world is so vast and beautiful. We are beautiful. And we are connected to our world even when it doesn’t feel like it. We just need to go to places where we can remember that feeling.
We are connected to something greater than ourselves. We all have purpose. But sometimes we need to take a step back from working so hard and just be. And listen. And taking what feels like a break – slowing down – which actually moves us forward and moves us towards our purpose. Even if we don't know what that is.
Peace and Love,
Kirsten
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